#91 My Diamond

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. So long as the rubies are attached directly to a concealing dress, and not a gaudy ring or neckless or earring.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Spoil, however, he always appreciateth.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Well, perhaps not Tuesdays. Or Thursdays. But Wednesday, man doth she do good and not evil.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. More often, however, she worketh deep in the pelvis with Vicryl and Catgut.

She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. Often, she is known to utiliseth the Cruiser of the Land when she visiteth Alimentation Etoile. That food she doth usually import from Arabia of Saudi.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. Or at least usually by 7-ish, and she prepareth veggie meat. Or at least she directeth Zachee to thus prepare and giveth to the others who worketh for her.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. Well, she supporteth her husband while he planteth the vineyard. She doth the rest of the garden.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She retaineth her limber stature and doth impress all those around with her ability to flippeth, spinneth, wheeleth the cart and springeth back the hand.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. If the candle goeth out by night, she sendeth her husband or Jamie to flippeth the switch of the generator.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She also pusheth the pedal that runneth the machine. Thus, she seweth.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She giveth and giveth some more, even when her husband explaineth the lack in her own household and the need to liveth within the means of their missionary budget. Thus, her husband moonlighteth.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. Nor doth she fear the heat of the sun, for her children scurrieth about nude with the Tchadians.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. When in need, she knoweth where she can findeth a Gap. There she searcheth the clothing of orange.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land, although he despiseth the committees and the work thereof.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. She maketh pelvic girdles to grow surprisingly, so that the foetus might pass therethrough.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her clothing is often also scrubs, and she rejoiceth in the comfort they provideth.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Unless thou givest thine newborn the water. Then she shall thee lash with her tongue and scoldeth thee with her mouth.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. She looketh very very very well to the eyes of her husband.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Her children still have difficulty pronouncing ‘blessed,’ but they worketh thereon. For now, they settleth for ‘Mommy.’

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. No daughter hath ever been more attractive than this 33-year-old mother-of-two daughter.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. And if that same woman who feareth the Lord also happeneth to be beautiful, and happeneth to be my wife also, well, then, I shalt be extremely lucky.

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. And on her birthday, she shall receive the adulation of her husband.