Guilt

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This goes out to all of those people who are mad at their OB doctors. Mad because they got a c-section. Angry because they did not get the chance to be a “real woman” or something. Oh no, now I’m stirring up turmoil, and I’m going to get nasty e-mails and comments.

I know. I didn’t want a c-section either. I understand. I really do.

I just want you to hear my side of things. My side of things from Africa. Where there are mostly NO doctors to do c-sections.

Where women die from c-sections.

Where women die from labor WITHOUT c-sections.

Where it’s no surprise at all when a child dies during childbirth.

It’s sad.

And I’m sad.

And tonight I feel guilty. I feel guilty for doing a c-section.

Why do I feel guilty?

Because the baby died. Would I have done things differently if I would have known the baby was going to die?

Yes. I would have let her labor longer even though she wasn’t progressing. I would have let her labor longer so that the child could die in labor, and then I could extract the fetus.

I would not put her through the risk of rupturing her uterus during her next childbirth when she refuses to come to the hospital and labors too long at home.

I would not have put a cap on the number of children she could have.

But, I didn’t know whether the baby was going to live or die. I don’t have fetal monitoring here. All I have is a fetal doppler and ultrasound. I can tell if the heart is beating, but I can’t tell how healthy the child is.

This child WAS living. It had a heart beat for about 10 minutes after being born. Ndilbe and Simeon breathed for it, but to no avail. CPR didn’t work. He died. Just like that.

Would he have lived in America? The mom would have come in earlier maybe, and not come in 24 hours after breaking her water with labor. The mom would have been placed on a fetal monitor. It would not have been reassuring and she would have still ended up with a c-section.

But her kid would probably be living. He would be in a neonatal intensive care unit.

Possibly on a breathing machine. Depending upon how early or late she came in labor.

If her kid was living and healthy, would she be one of those moms mad at their OB doctors? I hope not.

All I want today is to be able to give this almost mom a healthy, living child. That’s all she wants too.

But I can’t.

All I could do was give the husband a wife who was still living. And here, they are still so thankful for that.

Tonight I tried to save a child who had some signs of distress and the mom wasn’t progressing. I did a c-section instead of an oxytocin drip. But every time I try to save a child with a c-section, I am reminded that it’s a bad idea here. The kid dies anyways.

And I always feel guilty.

Guilty for trying too hard. Guilty for caring.